I wanted to say a quick thank you to everyone that came over from Peter And Jane on Facebook a few weeks back. Thousands of you came to see what I had to say and for that I am very grateful. Your messages of support meant a lot to me. So many of you shared your own stories, and I found them very comforting - so thank you for that.
I'm sorry I've been absent on here since you all joined the community at This Thing They Call Recovery. I've been in a funny head space the last few weeks and I wasn't in the mood to vocalise it. I also didn't want to come on here and write a post as if nothing was happening. I said when I started this blog that I wanted it to be an honest platform, and I'm trying to stick to that.
I'm feeling a bit more like myself now - we're getting there. And so I feel ready to tell you about it. I'm sure many of you will have felt like this in the past, or you're going through it right now. So I hope this is of some use to you.
It seems there is this pressure when you're chronically sick to be some sort of inspiration to people. They tell you that you're brave and they don't know how you do it. It's as if they think you have some sort of internal strength that wills you on to keep going. When in reality I just don't have a choice. I don't really think that makes me brave, maybe just a bit unlucky.
There's this pressure to "make the most of it" - to not let anything stop you from living your life and enjoy the ride. Well what if I don't like this ride? It's rusty, defective and overpriced. And I would like to get off please. It's a strange feeling to feel like everyone's waiting and watching for me to enjoy myself. I get that people want to see that I'm happy, because that means they don't have to worry quite so much. But I think it should be okay to admit that I'm not enjoying this.
Daily life is difficult, you're sore, you're tired, and you're lonely. Why should you feel bad for admitting that you're not having a lot of fun with it? Don't get me wrong, I am very grateful for the things I can do, and the people that I have. I always will be. And I'm not saying I feel bad all the time, it's just been how the last few weeks have gone. Nobody can be happy go lucky all the time - even if it seems like that on Instagram. Sometimes you go through a patch that is difficult, and that's okay. Like I said I'm feeling a bit better now, so it doesn't last forever. I just wanted to let you all know that it is perfectly okay to feel like that sometimes. You are under no obligation to be an inspiration to anybody.
Saying that you're not really enjoying yourself right now isn't you being negative, it doesn't mean you're unappreciative, and it doesn't make you a bad person. It just makes you an honest person, and we could do with some more of those.